Inquisitor Lorn
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Discussion of Lorn's StoryPlease tell me what you all think of it also this is my first fanfic.
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Brigadier General Matas
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A bit short, but it's all right.
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Inquisitor Lorn
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Thanks for the complament and ya I know that it is short. If I write another I will make it longer.
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Darth Aerris
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I thought it should be more detailed, there isn't much on adolescent background, just that some kids stole your lunch.
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Inquisitor Lorn
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True next time I will try and be more detailed.
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Xander Vos
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Not next time, this time. Go back and edit the chapters, make sure the new ones will be more detailed. Don't write off the comments and only apply them to your next story, as they will also help with this one. If you saw my original TMtC, you will see that progressively my chapters grew longer and better, because I worked with the comments.
But yes, quite short and litte detail, but an interesting plot imerging.
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Darth Aerris
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Agreed, don't hesitate to go back and make edits, it needs some changes.
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Darth Vomicus
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it has potential, but like aerris said, stealing lunch money isnt gonna turn someone to the dark side 
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Inquisitor Lorn
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Yea stealing lunch money couldn't turn somone to the darkside. I was thinking sort of that the robed figure sorta did it with trust.
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Brigadier General Matas
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Yeah, it also sound too Earthly and not much Star warsy
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Darth Aerris
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I agree, it needs a more astronomical affect to it, not really like give me your lunch or I will beat you up. I think they should podrace over the lunch, that would be intence action. And what kinda lunch was it, ham sandwich, grill cheese, give us the details!
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Inquisitor Lorn
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Umm I guess whatever the food on Corellia is because I don't know.
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Darth Vomicus
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im guessing correllian salami with mustard on rye.
but yes a little earthly. I see what you mean with the robed figure though, Lorn. Good Work.
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Inquisitor Lorn
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Thanks
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Darth Aerris
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A wonderful choice Vomicus, one of my favourite selections on Corellia. I would think some one who was from there should know.
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Inquisitor Lorn
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Well, I guess I havn't really researched food in the Star Wars Galaxy.
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Darth Aerris
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One's reaserch should be vast and extensive to write a well written
life story.
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Inquisitor Lorn
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Well, I guess I never thought about going and trying to find out what Corellian food is but now I know to do that.
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Inquisitor Lorn
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It was a spiceloaf.
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