Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Discussion of: Onderon's ChildWhat do you think?
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Brigadier General Matas
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saw it on GoTF, it was cool.
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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I will have to change the two versions a bit, one to fit the Tarna here. And the Lord Tarna on there.
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Brigadier General Matas
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well that's logical
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Trivas
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Is there more to it? Right now, it seems rather pro-Jedi and you did not really finish anything.
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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There will be more. My mother was very pro-Jedi. But, I will "see the truth", yata yata yata.
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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So sorry, been very busy. Tomorrow, since I will be unable to log on in the morning but can at night, will hand-write the next chapter. Then I will post it tomorrow night or Tuesday.
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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UPDATE
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Brigadier General Matas
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good
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Finally got in the new Chapter.
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Brigadier General Matas
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"Oh shut up Kolar"
classic
now for the ownage
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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I added how you contantly work out. 
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Brigadier General Matas
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yeah, good.
I feel so gitty
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Emperor Shadow
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Giddy.
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Lady Ducki
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This forum ain't big enough for two spelling Nazis!
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Brigadier General Matas
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Shadow= 
because me invent new word
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Well, since Xander isn't here that much...I guess Shadow can take his place.
Shadow, did you like your two lines? 
I'll include you, Ducki, eventually.
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Emperor Shadow
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A little off on characterization, but otherwise quite enjoyable. If you don't mind an old fool's suggestion:
Try giving each person their own line of dialogue. It gets hard to read if it's:
"Hi," Matas said. "How are you," Tarna asked.
Instead, try:
"Hi," Matas said.
"How are you," Tarna asked.
It is more pleasing to the eye and brain.
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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| Supreme Prophet Shadow wrote: | A little off on characterization, but otherwise quite enjoyable. If you don't mind an old fool's suggestion:
Try giving each person their own line of dialogue. It gets hard to read if it's:
"Hi," Matas said. "How are you," Tarna asked.
Instead, try:
"Hi," Matas said.
"How are you," Tarna asked.
It is more pleasing to the eye and brain. |
I was going to do that, but it looked weird with all the spaces. 
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Brigadier General Matas
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well, at least it will look longer
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Emperor Shadow
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Well, it will look odd without description.
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Brigadier General Matas
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oh yeah, rember to add more description
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Is Matas giving me grammer tips????  
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Brigadier General Matas
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hellz yeah
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Due to me nearly crapping in my pants when I saw that my dates were about 20 years wrong with the timeline, I edited the dates.
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Brigadier General Matas
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was there weed in it?
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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...no....
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Brigadier General Matas
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...oh crap...
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High Commander Vexen
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| Darth Matas wrote: | | ...oh crap... |
weird....your weird....
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Brigadier General Matas
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so is qual but I don't be talking about it 
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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NEW CHAPTER
The new chapter chronicles Tarna choosing his order and starting his obsession with Darth Revan.
Also, I figured "Sith Researcher" might mean they run the Sith Library.
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Brigadier General Matas
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Lunch Bell? I didn't know we were in a school or that bells existed in the SW universe..or lunch for that matter. I think it has a different name
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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It wasn't a school bell, it was more of a "lunch gong", or a big deep bell. BONG, not RIIIIING
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Lord Legacy
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btwur story is very good
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Re: btw | Darth Legacy wrote: | | ur story is very good |
Thanks
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Lord Legacy
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sowhen is there going to be new installments
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Re: so | Darth Legacy wrote: | | when is there going to be new installments |
Before the end of Februrary for sure.
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Supreme Prophet Praxeum
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And Praxeum feels left out....*tear* 
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Brigadier General Matas
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Man, you jumpin from places to places in there
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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| High Prophet Praxeum wrote: | | And Praxeum feels left out....*tear* |
You're in the next chapter. Tarna didn't know where Kroprulu was, but he manages to find a Sith on Bastion to help him go there
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Sith Alchemist Kor
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I'm guessing I'm not in your story at all. I fell so left out somtimes. 
( but it dosen't really matter that much but it would be nice to have me mentioned at least once later on...way later on.)
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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| Kor Nalnuig wrote: | I'm guessing I'm not in your story at all. I fell so left out somtimes.
( but it dosen't really matter that much but it would be nice to have me mentioned at least once later on...way later on.) |
You're not around yet. I don't think you're even born. How old were you in 63 ABY?
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Sith Alchemist Kor
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((Let me see.. your character is now what 25? So that means my character is 10 years older than yours so yeah I was around. I just never spoke to you and besides I did say "WAY LATER ON". ))
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Brigadier General Matas
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Then how are you a Sith apprentice if you are 10 years older? Unless, were you a Jedi?
PS: All of this is OOC so no need to put (())
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Lord Angmar
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I would like to make an appearance as well Tarna, in my bio i've been around since Nihilus, and I used the same technique to live so long.
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Brigadier General Matas
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| Brigadier General Matas wrote: |
All of this is OOC so no need to put (()) |
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Lord Legacy
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yesi wouldnt mind being in the story as well
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Sith Alchemist Kor
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Yes I was once a jedi at one point but I was with the sith first. I was foolish and never wish to return to that life.
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Brigadier General Matas
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If Tarna agrees but I'm not so sure since his chaacter and many of yours never IC made contact with his and had a grand effect on the outcomes of many events, but its Tarna's choice.
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Alright, people. Angmar and Legacy will appear in the next one where I am at the Sith Temple if possible. Kor, you're a gabillion years away so maybe another chapter...or four.
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Sith Alchemist Kor
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ok...whatever.
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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Being home sick has allowed me to post a new chapter. Finally, young Tarna arrives at Kroprulu.
Also, Praxeum's appearance!
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Brigadier General Matas
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Praxeum would say his full name
Instead of "My name is Praxeum", he would say, "My name is Stap Magnus Praxeum"
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Lord Angmar
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But it is Tarnas story. He can have Praxeum use his name as he uses it. I just read all of it completely and thouroughly. Very good story Tarna. I give you props.
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Brigadier General Matas
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Yes, but you want to keep it realistic and not just put random stuff of someone they wouldn't do or wouldn't say
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Supreme Prophet Praxeum
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| Brigadier General Matas wrote: | | Yes, but you want to keep it realistic and not just put random stuff of someone they wouldn't do or wouldn't say |
Making sure that everyone speaks as their persona would is crucial to make a good fan fiction.
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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My though process was that you had been promoted already. That way, you dropped the "Stap Magnus" and became Darth Praxeum. However, you wouldn't go around shouting "I'm Darth Praxeum.", so I made you just say Praxeum.
Alright, time for a slight edit.
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Brigadier General Matas
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Even though he is already promoted, he still uses his full name
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Sovereign Defender Tarna
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With the new Bloodlines idea and the fact that I've had Writer's Block for the last few months has led to me cancelling and disbanding Onderon's Child. It is not Fanon, and any and all people, places, and events that I created are considered false and not true to forum-canon.
Moderator, please lock this thread and the actual FanFiction.
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Darth Acrimonus
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Locked both as requested.
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